what i've been missing out lately
*new wardrobes/clothes, that leads back to outing!*
*new shoes; wedges, toe-pump, boots! XD*
*sony ericsson headphone ; need my music! i've given mine to angah, so i ave none! :( *
*a big teddy bear; it has always been my dream :) *
*pet! i miss having cats around. hamsters and rabbits are cute as well XD *
*handbags! i never see the attraction on a handbag before. i guess thats why i never see myself looking good holding a handbag. but mama said i hve to start acting like a woman since i'm getting older. X) so for my entire whole life, i only have one handbag ; Guess. rite now i need another one that's not too big or too small. mama!!!! ka-ching~ XD*
*movies! i wish i could see HSM3. huh X( *
*ice-skating! :D *
*accessories,accessories,accessories. i don't really buy my necklaces and stuff. i usually got them as prezzie. lol thats why i don't have alot. need a new bling2 and lucky bracelet X) *
* collector of key-chain. phm2 la sendiri ok! XD *
*new phone! :( *
*holidays! X( *
*set of make-up. X) i never had one *
*driving license -coming soon :D *
*watches. i love collecting them. such art. ;) *
*sushi king! big apple!! tgi friday!!! :'( *
*novels to read. need new. :| *
last but not least (there's more but i can't think of anymore rite now XD )
*a camera. not just any camera. :'(
one of my dreams *being a part time photographer* a forbidden dream to be exact. why family always have to take away the best of us? :( or why my family to be precise. huh..
WARNING : this is just a random post. i'm just losing my mind. XD
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
for starters, happy 5th monthiversary to ZAKI and me.
i don't know why but i'm abit emotionless rite now. probably because i'm too tired. i think.
or i'm thinking too much. and yes zaki, don't worry. i'll sleep. :|
hem, clueless of what to say. i am thinking too much i guess. but that is just me. one of these days i want to be at an open space with no one around, just sit there.. enjoy the wind blowing on my face, the breeze.. smell the fresh scent of nature.. admiring the the world from a far. just for once, away from all the misery,pain,tiredness. just release all those stress with one blow and relax... sweet silent and tranquility. anyone who wants to join me is always pleased. and yes zaki, you're a MUST. no option. you have to be there with me :)
i'm confused. was it the right thing to do? if it was, why do i feel this way? did i really mean all those words? or was it just anger or the pain talking? all i know that i do miss you. miss you that it hurts. i know i'm looking back at our past but i don't really regret that i'm here right now. all i want you to know that forgetting you is never gonna happen in my life. those memories are so precious that makes it hard to let it go. so i'm gonna keep it in my heart. but be the better person. and move on.
i'm sorry i've put you through so much. after all this time, you still stand by me. you never let me down. but all i could repay was pain. and still, you're here with me. even sorry couldn't be enough. your sacrifice are priceless. shit. being all emo plus listening to sad song is such a bad combo for me at night. believe me, i can't wait for that one day. you know who you are. yes, i'm talking to you. remember that day? we promise right? i'm keeping it. and all those advices? i'm living with it. don't worry too much. just do what you gotta do, watch me from a far. thank you. just like old times. i'll curse myself if i ever feel or say i'm all alone. cause i know, i'm not. never.
SORRY, i love you but we have our life to live on.
funny notes ; hem. let me be positive fo a sec. les fab still on the debate on making gjie realise she's not fat. haha.... hem. pralines and cream :)
scene in the car? we're like family. :) and i'm still gonna say this, i know things but i'm not that REALLY REALLy good at it. OK X)
loL! ya ALLAH. may tonight i have a sweet dream. at least not a nightmare again. :( that nightmare.
toodles~ spmspmspmspmspm *dreaming of prom*
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
Irham and Zaki ( and me coincidentally. loL! ) has made it clear and a final statement that on 29th of october, it's a BLUE DAY.
no ppl! its not blue as in blue colour or blue sky or so so on. its blue as in HORNY/ wtv they call when ppl talk about 18 sx stuff. loL!.
and it all started because of me. ???? who wld hve thought that a simple question would make such a big fuss. i mean all i wanna know its tht what was the right thing to do when you have a friend who is a girl/player/GS. pfft and no, you don't wanna know and you will not know. i will not state about that here. one mistake is enough for today. pffft -___-"
and now look at what i have done? every single thing that came out of my mouth is being interpreted wrongly by ZAKI and IRHAM. which is so not GOOD! i mean, tight? i don't get it! what is the relationship between a box and tight?? human in a bag? saaaay what?? pfft and pfft and pfffft! X(
queeny,tini,gjie and lala asking for DETAILS??? so wrongggg!!! loL! i mean, seriously. this whole day, every where i go its like learning biology in very deep, deep and personal way. pffft! ok ok. its not that i'm not open-minded about this. heck i used to have brothers that sit around the house and talks and jokes around 24hours about those stuff. which is EWWW! cause i'm the only girl X( oh well, i hope 12 am has officially state the end of HALIBILU.
saya sudah tak suka awak
saya sayang dgn boyfriend saya
saya ada kawan yang saya sayang
dan mereka sayang saya juga
jadi awak tolong takyah susahkan diri awak
untuk merisaukan pasal saya
saya sayang awak juga
tapi sbg kwn.
so get that into your head,
and move on silly!
which i don't care. i look silly without even talking. which is weird, but true. rite ZAKI? -__-"
i just realise this is my first time writing a post in malay+english = rojak! kinda way. oh well. there's always first for everything rite? hem...first for everything... zaki :) i'm getting all mushy again. ngeek XD
i think i'm tired because of all the excitment. and thnks guys (zaki,irham,shahril) for staying back for me. you must be tired from all of that.
oh and i like the new buletin that wanie posted ( one of form4 student from 9, she added me on myspace. yet i don't really know her X) )
its about what a boyfriend would do. which is sweet and true. :)
and can't wait for 2 days. :) wait a min. i'm looking forward to the day? weirdly enough. i never think about. pfft. forget it fasya. its just a another day that comes along every year. except if you're died of course. loL!
i wonder what tomorrow will bring me. :)
funny notes ; 1. gjie spanked me. or shud i say my trunk/butt. X) and this is what she said "giler spongy! like, oh my GOD! macam packed!" i don't really know what that means but i hope its a good thing. ngeek XD i guess now i know why my cousins likes to spank my butt all the time when they see me. its like a MUST. X) and queeny added saying i'm a dancer. so obvly i shld i have that. really? zaki is a dancer. but he doesn't have a spongy butt. i think. oh wait!! i've said too much! whoops sorry zaki! XD
2. my current mood and attitude is flowing towards sexiness which i'm still trying to find the definitions of sexy. -_-' i don't know why but maybe because zaki said i'm an anti-horny-ish. so first, i tot the new me could be good fr him. it was but then he started thinking to the wrong side. oh well. guess nobody really knows the other side of me. which they'll never gonna know. ;) might as well just keep it to myself and some certain ppls that have seen me being all sexy and dirty-ish. right kakya? ;) haha p/s: i'm not horny, i'm sexy ;) unlike you zaki, that statement doesn't work for you. XD
word of da day ; i'm not gay. i just like mens.
haha XDD zaki oh zaki!!! k then. see ya! thx for readin. ;) ave a nice day and remember! i love you :)
TOODLY WOODLY DOO
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
lets cut to the chase shall we?
i'm GROUNDED. definition : no hp, no internet accessibility, no outing, no games, no shopping ( this has been going on for months, which is something i'm used to ), no this and no that -bla bla bla- etc etc. so updating blog is SO not in my list anymore. at least until spm ends. pfft. thats what we spm-ers are saying these days. lets just hope spm doesn't get the best of us. i know it have to me.
i would like to take this moment to say I'M SORRY to NURUL NASQUIN BINTI NAZAWAWE [ correct me if i'm wrong, proud of me if i'm right X) ] for unable to attend your birthday party today. i spent 3 hours to mix and match my clothes with high hopes that i'll be able to go, yet in the end i got punches and slaps at my face and head. this is a true story ppl, i'm not making anything up.
so ashikin/ash/ken, you are totally WRONG. my family is so not that kind of family you think. we don't lovey-dovey here. hence, i don't really love my family, but i don't hate my family. they brought me into this world, and that is why i see from pros and cons of it.
DON'T JUDGE ME. yes i am emo right now. thank you very much for realising that. my head is in such big pain but it can't never compared to my torn pieces of heart. and no ash, i'm not menopausing and i'm not having a divorce!loL.
back to my point, i'm sorry again that i have let you down (AGAIN) queeny. likewise, i was looking forward to this day as well. but AGAIN, time was not on my side. LIFE is not on my side. so i'm sorry. i wish there was something i could do but that is just it. when we use that sentence 'i wish there was something i could do', we know that there's nothing could be done because its gone. but i'll make sure that one day, i'll repay all what is done. and that one day is only beyond this SPM wall. and you're welcome to put on high hopes. cause i am not going against my word. but if i die earlier than i think, i'm sorry that i couldn't make that day come true.
and i wanna say sorry to nasrudin because AGAIN, i couldn't stand up for myself. by now you should already know, my opinion doesn't matter to anybody in my family or anyone else around. except for certain ppls.(i think)
stating a fact or trying to confront will only make things worst. so rule no. 1 in my family, (or at least rule for me to survive in this family) is to not stand up for yourself. or you will only be called 'rude', 'disrespectful' etc etc, aka bad child. rule no. 2, they are always right even if they are wrong and you are always wrong even when you are right. enough said. i know what we can imagine by that sentence. i know i know, i'm sure all of you ( i don't think there's alot of ppl reading this but what the heck) are thinking that you go through the same as i am. whoa slow down horsey. you may think or feel that everything that i'm stating here is like a common thing. but this is not even the half of it. i can't state anymore or i'll be caught by the government telling everybody that my family is a abuser. whoops, i think i've said too much. -____- *straight face*
moving on, i'm just grateful that my life with les fab are back to normal. not that we were never normal [ or were we? X)], we just haven't had much time together ever since trials starts and ends and raya session and all. a day that i'll never forget. lala pushing me over from a chair, queeny hitting me hundreds time [well almost X)], gjie bullied by us, and arguing with tini and les fab about kids,marriage and relationships. X) haha thanks babes. you always make my day. :) never will i ever thought of having friends like you. i've made a history without realising it. LOL XD
but honestly zaki, ever since trials, hem. ok let me just be straight with you. we're drifting apart. ok ok maybe its just me. and probably i'm thinking too much. but thats how i feel. not that i'm not happy with you. you have no idea, one day getting to see you is like a getting a gift from my family ( which doesn't happens), being with you? a gift from heaven dear. i am very happy. and i am not complaining. because as i said before, the mother ship is back to normal. can't fight the fact that we are all struggling for trials. and right now we're struggling for SPM. again, not complaining. cause' SPM is the reason we spent 5 years at secondary school. loL. so lets put all our best for this and be the best we can. whatever the outcomes, lets get through it together. failures now, doesn't mean failures forever. this is just another step that we must pass.
and thank you hyakuji. its been awhile since i had a great closure. :)
and i'm sorry if i put you on TOO much. loL! now ppl, ignore this will ya? this is between me and my MAN. ;) LOL!
and precisely on this thursday, 30/10/2008, it's hyakuji and my 5th monthiversary. you may think its only just been awhile but to us it's more than that. we've had so much drama but we're still standing strong here, holding each other hands. :) and i can say the same for us, les fab. :) i love you guys till the day i die. with all my heart.
GOOD LUCK to all spm-ers. this may be early but nothing is ever early these days as time is passing quickly at this moment. MAY we all can get through this and achieve success with flying colors. 10a1,11a1,12a1,etc... lets go! :D
go go chaiyok! ganbatte gozaimas!
well if i could get through the security code, i'll might online and update this. but i might be too busy X) but don't hope on that will ya? loL! and yes, i know. its your trademark zaki. pfft fyi, i don't care. so W.M.L. XD
have a nice day and study hard study smart. believe in youself and things will flow easier than you thought. toodles, saeunara and... well, i love you :)
funny notes; bukit jelutong has a very nice view at night. my dream house at PUNCAK. :)
3 more days till i'm sweet seventeen :). no matter how my birthday doesn't matter to my family. still i'm a year older. that means i'm a year wiser. and thats enough for me. oh and zaki, you have 2 post left to read. XD
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
it seems that there are so many drafts in my box. every single post that i cud come up, end up unpublish n left hanging. n this was one of it
"i am a very jealous person. DOT
i dun even knw wht was i thinking tht time. this post was meant to express my feelings about how fed up i was to be in second place in every single thing. no, not second. i couldn't even reach the middle level. i'm always the last in everything.
fact no1 about people : they label.
-they make assumptions/judgements/predictions etc. without knowing the real situations. i'm not saying tht i never make assumptions. smtms its hard when nobody is telling you anything. you feel so left out that when you have problems and nobody is helping you or even listening, our thoughts plays with our mind. and eventually we conclude it by our own. but the fact that SOME ppl just judge me and thinks they know about me when they don't. heck they don't know what i hve been through. so shut up!
parents think they know whts best for us. WRONG. they knw whts best for them. just because you've been through it before, doesn't mean you have to put it all on us. yeah yeah, you wished you could hve done better. but if you've done better, would you be in this state right now? would you be having us right now? the fact that they keep rewinding back their awful life and comparing to our so-called "too much fun" life, it makes me wonder, do they really know what are we going through? i mean if they 've been through it, of course they should know what we are dealing in everyday life. but it seems that they never gonna understand us.
"you are so lucky". PFFFFFT! thats the most stupidest thing i've ever heard. giving that statement to me, its like an airplane just lost contact with the airport and crashes to the ground. the fact that they never gonna walk in my shoes, has stop me from arguing such nonsense. i'm not trying to be such dramaqueen, but God has stated that everybody goes through the same situation in life. only they experience in a different way. so put a sock it in you dufus. 17 years. 17 years i've suffered enough pain. call me lame but when i was a child, a true friend is a person who says hi to you. thats how desperate i am inneed of friends. but i never tell or show. i just go through it like i always do. is life meant to be this way? going through it like its nothing more?
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
its strange cause i used to think about it over and over in my head. i used to think about what i could have possibly done to get to such a bad place in my life. i always came up empty somehow and the math never seemed right. but maybe its not a bad place. maybe its a higher level of understanding. i feel like a little girl that just found out Santa doesn't exist and thats an ugly feeling. But maybe we're not supposed to believe in other people or mythical creatures. Perhaps we were meant to believe in ourselves. and when that day come, its all too much to handle. my life has been having to grow up too fast and for once i feel like a kid again. but once again, another mythical creatures exposed, unveiled and made mortal. i had tried so long to pretend that i didn't know this all along and delay inevitable but all attempts came up empty. i have been here before. in this exact same situation but this time i feel enlightened rather than defeated. i've always seen myself as an independent person. but i look back and see how dependent i let myself become. However, I am ready to reclaim my independence and rid myself of self pity. i believe in everything happens for a reason, hope, karma and most importantly, i believe in myself. thats all i ever really need to believe in.
Labels: my voice
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
one word for it. empty.
i woke up today and realise dat this past few years, my feelings towards raya has faded as times passes by.
its like i am not wut i used to be. raya has been sumfing so special to me. now... its juz a hollow day. i used to look forward to this day. when i was little, i love raya cuz dats when i got free money. haha hey dats wut kids do. plus i wasn't really dat closed to any of my cuzins. i lived at Alor Setar, Kedah for 10 years. so apparently i didn't get to spend much time wiv them. n most of da time we had arguments wiv each other. haha rite jojot? we were like da unseparated cat and dog. always fighting. but then when kakya started taking care of me after my maid ran away. dat was da beginning of a wonderful life i've been missing my whole life. we fought n fought. now look at us. closer than eva. not a single cut can tear us apart. we're like glued to each other strong as UHU glue. XD how i miss the ol times. but i guess things can't always be up. it has been down. n up. so i guess its time to be down again... so da future brings me separations. kakya, remember when arwah nenek said dat she was scared dat all of her grandchildrens were closed to each other now dat mybe soon we'll won't be as closed as it was before. well i guess she was rite. kak tati is in australia. abg cepoi is now at london. and abg aizat is well sumwhere else( pfft i forgot, sorry! ur moving faraway these days ) and when arwah nenek leaves us, we were all hanging on to sumfing dat was gone. atok gotten even more worst. our family drifted even more apart. eventhou only my mother side of da family is drifting apart, it really affect my life.
there's nufing much left in me. i used to ran around serendah, playing bunga api with all my cuzins. being as silly or dumb as possible da night b4 raya.while everybody was snoozing under the star, we were shooting into the star. haha remember da time when u guys got lectured by daddy b'cuz u guys were playing mercun. haha i was little bak then. i didn't got blame for dat. haha
huh..now, wut do i do at da night b4 raya? i stay outside the house. sitting on the swing while talking to a smelly cute cat dat keeps pampering wiv me. ALL ALONE. i think i'd bored him to death wiv my talks dat he eventually stop tickling me n slept on my lap. i cudn't sleep. well ofcos, how can u sleep when u r surrounded by ur brothers in one bed. it was so cramped! n i swear dat my brothers punches me on da face dat nite. pfft!! but that wasn't the only reason. i cudn't sleep... well b'cuz i cudn't. guess too many things were in my head dat time.
....no more sounds of laughter at atok's house. no more screaming n yelling getting ready for raya prayers. no more lining up to get duit raya b'cuz our family are very BIG. no more taking pics as family one by one. no more formal non formal actions for picture taking. haha. GOD.
nenek... can u see how much we miss u since u been gone?.. i noe u can see us.. i saw atok's face last year when we visited u. there were tears.. but he kept it. i'm sorry i cudn't visit u dis year. mama said i had to study. yeah i'm aving spm dis year. wish me luck k. i'll visit u someday. i noe i will.. i miss making kuih koci with u nenek.. ur kuih koci was da best. haha remember the time when i cudn't make it to ur house n u saved me a bunch of kuih koci. cuz u noe, i really love it. i'm sorry i didn't get to finish it. i was really busy but u neva gave up. u did a bunch of more juz so i cud eat. n i called u to say thx.... *tears*
u were always there for me. but i wasn't really much there for u. i didn't get to spend much time wiv u.. u were very sick.. i didn't get to say i miss u when i saw u at ICU. but u knew. u juz nodded at me. i'm sorry.. for crying.. i promised u dat i'll neva be sad. n be strong for others. i did.. but i wasn't strong for myself. while bathing ur cold breathless body, mama said u were as if sleeping. i said to myself, if u were sleeping, i wish i cud wake u up at dat moment instant. so dat i cud see u smile again. but i juz cudn't. if i did dat, it wud disrespect u n like i'm lying to myself. u wudn't want me to do dat. wud u? no. u wudn't. u didn't even get to see pakcu's wedding. i noe dat u dun mind leaving so early as long as u get to see pakcu being engaged. but can't u stay for alil while to see de ending? da wedding was green in colour. i'm sure u will love it. huh..
pfft. wut am i talking? i keep bringing things down. haha sorry nenek! u'd probably pinching my cheek by now. n hugging me till i suffocate. haha
oh dat reminds me, i aven't check how much did i get for today. haha it seems dat it doesn't really matter to me anymore. since mama got a promotion jumping from judge straight to becoming 'Penasihat Undang-Undang Malaysia', ( pfft i ave to spell it rite or she'll kill me from telling da wrong info.) our parents has up our grades of raya. haha. huh.. who am i kidding? i am so not into raya this year. argh!! wtv.. to da ppl out there, my advice to u, enjoy wut u ave while u ave it. cuz u neva noe wut ur missing till its gone. haih...
apparently these whole week, my mind hasn't been with me. it had flown to the other side of dimensional world. haha. i kept reminiscing my days being with him n how i enjoy being in les fab. da day i came to 9. ah! so many memories.eventhou i only been wiv u guys for exactly 9 months, i've felt so home wiv u. yeah i guess home is not always happy. sumtimes there's bound to be fight. but sum ppl said dats wut makes da bond grow stronger. haiya.... y ppl ave to be annoyingly rite sumtimes. haha XD wut will we eva be in da future?
ps: thx for da ppl dat sent me wishes through sms. for sum ppl dat i didn't get to reply, i'm really sorry. there's no line at my hometown ( kajang lame. haha XD) i used to send cards n all to my friends whom i've been never contact for so long. sorry harith, melly, shakina, adilah and etc. we are all bz with spm. ah. its been so long. oh well, lets juz cherish da moment.
pss: to all my friends, family and my loves one ( u know who u are), i wud like to say thank you. thank you for being part of my life. as i stand today, who i am becoming or ave become, it is all b'cuz of u. for the things dat i've done n da words dat hurt u deeply. i wud like to say i'm sorry. sorry if i wasn't there enuf for u. sorry dat i didn't get u at certain times. sorry dat i acted dat way towards u. sorry dat i wasn't good enuf for u. sorry dat i made u cry. sorry dat i cudn't kept my promise. sorry dat i lied. sorry dat i cudn't repay bak all da good deeds u did to me. sorry dat i've tried my best, but my best wasn't good enuf. sorry dat i was bad when i was supposed to be better. sorry dat da only thing i cud say is sorry. sorry dat if dis sorry is not enuf for u.
may u live ur life with full of patienty and unforgetable happiness.
i dunno wut to say anymore. there just so many dat i cudn't think one at a time. hope u enjoy ur raya week. zaki, u ave no idea how i miss u rite now. n thx nas ( nasrudin ali fyi X) ).
queenytinilalagjie!! bila gue bisa raya umah kamu? haha jom gi raya hunting! XDDDD
thx 4 reading dis thou. ave a pleasant dreams n good day,good life and.. well.. i love you :)
<<<-------meet iman najmi bin asmadi. my nephew. yes, i am an auntie. X) he's only 1 years old and he weighs 13 kg. he is very active yet a very shy boy. and he likes to pinch ppl. especially at their tummy. X) ask my angah. he loves girls. i mean REALLY. he has a potential to becoming a hotstuff n casanova as he likes to play eye contact with his victim. trust me. i was one of his victim. haha i almost fell for his winking, i heard da voice of zaki yelling from inside my head saying " dun u dare! " haha iman is very clever for his age and he is single. haha
well dats it. alil bit of family tree in my blog.
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.