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3. Phase Three

This is the part where everything turns dark. It is where you'll fall into a pit of darkness.
And no one.. not even yourself can save you.

It's where everything is just not right and you're confused, enrage with hate and pain.
The worst part was not all the feelings that you have, it was the cause of it. Memories.
It'll haunt, curse you to feel a huge load on your shoulder. Where even there's no more tears left, it finds a way to cry more.

They say, the hardest part was not breaking up and not being together, it was the after feeling. Letting go is easy but not as easy as forgetting.

Well they're wrong. In each phase, it hurts like hell. Non which can compare to one another. Each pain is so different yet have the same amount of momentum to push you down to the ground.



The funny thing is, after phase 2, you'd thought you get over it by now,
but then the memories kicks in and everything you've build up for, just comes crumbling down.

I'm just hoping I'll get through this phase 3 as quickly as possible.
I'm starting to feel the change in myself. Though I can pretend in front of everyone, to push that other persona in me, is like trying to fight with my own self. It's suffocating, frustrating and exhausting..

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Saturday, September 6, 2014 2:10 AM
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.


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2. Stupid

Why am I still crying?
Is it cause it's finally over, for good?
Is it cause I'm sad you didn't fight for me?
Or am I sad cause I wasted all these years with you, sacrificing everything and done so much for you yet you still don't feel anything when you see me cry...

Huh..

I'm so stupid. Crying over a relationship that I hold on when I know it always leave me in pieces. All alone, lying on the floor like a lil helpless girl, crying for mercy.

All that's left are just heartbreaks and anger. Regrets. I wish I never met you. Never have I spent so much time with someone who doesn't even blink an eye when I'm about to walk out the door.
They're right. He's gotten too comfortable. Too relax.
He thinks that I'm just gonna take him back. That he has nothing to worry about.
And that saying something.

How far have I gone until I've lost all of my self-worth?
Ashamed. Embarrassed.
All those days waking up so early to pick you up, and sending you home.
Supporting you in everything you do. No matter where you wanted to go, another mma fight or an instameet or even being your no1 fan.
Compromise with everything you want. Up to a point I've even sacrifice my own feelings.

So pathetic.

Huh.. Gotta wake up from this nightmare. I had enough. 4 years is enough.

But am I strong enough?


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Sunday, August 10, 2014 2:40 AM
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.


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Kittieeesss


On the morning of first day Raya, my lovely Loki gave birth to 6 beautiful kittens. Unfortunately due to certain complications, one only lived for 3 days. It's sad cause I know it fought really hard to survive but I guess Allah loves him more.

This is my first batch of kittens ever since I moved to Shah Alam. When we were in Kedah, my parents had no difficulty in allowing us to take care of cats. But I guess mama got a wee old for cats and her nose just can't stand the stench of cat's poop. Lol

Luckily ever since Figaro came into my life, mama has well.. compromised. Sort of. I mean we fought a lot but.. seeing Loki and Eskimo everyday is worth the fight. Now home, doesn't feel so lonely anymore for this "only girl" in the family.

I'll never stop missing Figaro. It's just hard enough not to think of where is he or is he safe or not. I just pray God that He takes care of him. *teary*
Lol even after all this while, it still makes my eyes all watery.

The reason why I'm even posting this cause I want to add some colours into my blog. I mean that's how life is. I have had so many rough days that I kept on posting depressing posts. But that doesn't mean I don't have anything to be grateful for.

I mean, I can be very depressed yet at the same time I never stop being thankful and grateful.
It's confusing. Yet I think most people can relate to that.


ps; I am finally relieved from my maid's duty. Ah.. I can finally rest from doing all the house chores alone. Remind me not to buy a freaking 3 storey house unless I have maids. It is so tiring D:
And everyone keeps telling me, "It's ok, it's an experience and what to do, you're the only girl." Gee, that totally makes me feel better :| oh well..


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Thursday, August 7, 2014 11:35 PM
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.


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1. Pathetic

So... I've been trying to write something on this blog but whenever I write something, I think it sounds stupid so I start all over again.

Anyway, I forgot the password to this blog. A sudden anxiety rush crawled up my spine. After few trial and error, poof nailed it. I mean I'm writing this, so you get the point.
Oh gosh, I think I just made myself sound so tiresome. :|

It's been so long... and I decided to write again because.. well I started to rant again. I mean I always rant but this time is like long rants of mostly everything. So I thought to myself, maybe it's time to start murdering my blog again. Not that anyone would read it anyway. I don't even know if my friends are still on blog. Except for Casey, cause I just saw her recent posts. That means she's still active with blogging.

And then, I was thinking of making a new blog.... Hem.
Well that's that. Still here. :|
Oh god, I sound so.. monotonous. Is that even right? Well I just know I sound unlively right now.

Ooh let's talk about my life now. Well it's... hem. I'd be lying if I say I'm content. I wish I was. I mean it's like I don't even know if I have succumb with the pressure that I am going through or maybe I just decided to stop trying. Either way, I am unhappy for a lot of reasons but I.. don't really care so I am not unhappy? It's confusing.

I'm.. trying.. so hard to get my voice heard by those who should listen. But.. every time I speak up, it's like they make me feel so small like I don't deserve to say anything. Feel anything. It's like I'm this insignificant human being living in world with people who keeps pushing me down until I don't even feel I worth anything.

And it's so suffocating.. exhausting to even breathe. I'm gasping for at least someone to actually notice that I'm dying.

They said, I'm just playing the victim. The world is not against me. It's me who is acting as if it is. It's so easy for them to say it when they actually get to speak up but when I speak up, nobody hears me.

.......huh.......


I am.. at a point.. where I just don't have the will to even fight. It's sad, cause when I read all my old posts, I've wrote so much sadness in this blog that I forgot what happiness feels like.

This blog has become my one and only place where I vent all my frustrations at. Just so that I can published it and then get back to world and turn into that happy, positive persona. Hmm.



I'm such a sore loser. I can't reach out to anyone because I'm afraid of annoying them or getting rejections. So like I said, I just succumb to the pain. Live with it.


On a side notes, I've started to watch all the movies that I have downloaded yet have not watch. That's good. Oh well, I hope when I write the next post, I'll be less dull and negative.


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Tuesday, July 15, 2014 1:54 AM
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.


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Once Upon A Time

"I'm going to smile like nothing's wrong, talk like everything's perfect, act like it's all a dream, and pretend it's not hurting me."

But it hurts even more by pretending, doesn't it?

So I finished watching Once Upon A Time season 1, just to know that the ending was incomplete, and for me to know what happens next, I need to watch the 2nd season.

Can't blame the production. I mean, 'We can't give them every lil details. It ruins the mystery and the desire to continue to be loyal to the series.'

Yeah, I think I get that. Haha

Photobucket

I love the fact that they really tried so hard to make it as logical as possible to the fairy tale. Of course there are twists of the stories and it has a lot of conflicts, more than I can actually handle. Buuuuuut... the story really moved me.

Photobucket

Though I am all against having an affair, I made an exception for this story because Ginnifer was playing the role of Snow White :p
I must say my gegurl crush towards her really cloud my perception.
But it doesn't change the fact that having an affair is still WRONG.
Photobucket


"You must be so lonely that only the suffering of others can make you happy."

Boom !

Well as always, or as a typical girl, I do relate myself to the story and find myself thinking I am the heroin of the story.

Oh prince charming..

To meet someone who meant everything to you, yet only to find you both are just not meant to be. Why do we fall to one another only to get separated?

Yeah, I'm pretty much blabbering right now.
So yeah, Goodnight.
Whereever/whoever you are reading this, just know that.. You're not alone. I'm lonely. But I'm not alone. I'm with you :)


And sometimes, you just gotta let it go. Cause God knows whats best for you.









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Tuesday, December 11, 2012 5:26 AM
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.


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Scared, Sad and Lonely..

Right now I just need to distance myself from love to see who is willing enough to break down these walls.
I can't do this anymore. I've been hurt for far too long. I've given many chances to the wrong people.
I've let myself be loved and treated wrongly. No one can love me like I love myself.
If being alone is what it takes, then so be it.

I'm done. I fear everything due to all the pain that was inflicted in me. Now I just want to feel happy again. Like closing my eyes and feeling the raindrops on my hands one by one..

A man once taught me what love really means. I'm just thankful that at least I'd learned something. And maybe when the time comes, I will be able to tell if its love or just.. loneliness :)

They were right, it is best to loved and lost.
To appreciate the next opportunity when it comes.

I'm scared... sad.. lonely.. but I know I'll get through this. Just like.. old times :')

There's no more tears left to cry. Thats how much it hurts me.
Like everyone is out to get me... like I'm living in my own nightmare in reality.
I really want to cry right now. Like my heart is pounding and aching and my eyes are burning in fear, pain and suffering.
but I realised that I have cried over and over again until there's no more tears left.

Memories... What I miss the most is memories..
It's haunting me.. the face, the place, the feeling, the moment.. the touch..
huh..


Goodnight.. at least i know i'm not alone.
scared, sad... and lonely is accompanying me :')


ps; walking towards the future, with my heart chained to your memories...

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Tuesday, December 4, 2012 1:45 AM
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
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