So... I've been trying to write something on this blog but whenever I write something, I think it sounds stupid so I start all over again.
Anyway, I forgot the password to this blog. A sudden anxiety rush crawled up my spine. After few trial and error, poof nailed it. I mean I'm writing this, so you get the point.
Oh gosh, I think I just made myself sound so tiresome. :|
It's been so long... and I decided to write again because.. well I started to rant again. I mean I always rant but this time is like long rants of mostly everything. So I thought to myself, maybe it's time to start murdering my blog again. Not that anyone would read it anyway. I don't even know if my friends are still on blog. Except for Casey, cause I just saw her recent posts. That means she's still active with blogging.
And then, I was thinking of making a new blog.... Hem.
Well that's that. Still here. :|
Oh god, I sound so.. monotonous. Is that even right? Well I just know I sound unlively right now.
Ooh let's talk about my life now. Well it's... hem. I'd be lying if I say I'm content. I wish I was. I mean it's like I don't even know if I have succumb with the pressure that I am going through or maybe I just decided to stop trying. Either way, I am unhappy for a lot of reasons but I.. don't really care so I am not unhappy? It's confusing.
I'm.. trying.. so hard to get my voice heard by those who should listen. But.. every time I speak up, it's like they make me feel so small like I don't deserve to say anything. Feel anything. It's like I'm this insignificant human being living in world with people who keeps pushing me down until I don't even feel I worth anything.
And it's so suffocating.. exhausting to even breathe. I'm gasping for at least someone to actually notice that I'm dying.
They said, I'm just playing the victim. The world is not against me. It's me who is acting as if it is. It's so easy for them to say it when they actually get to speak up but when I speak up, nobody hears me.
I am.. at a point.. where I just don't have the will to even fight. It's sad, cause when I read all my old posts, I've wrote so much sadness in this blog that I forgot what happiness feels like.
This blog has become my one and only place where I vent all my frustrations at. Just so that I can published it and then get back to world and turn into that happy, positive persona. Hmm.
I'm such a sore loser. I can't reach out to anyone because I'm afraid of annoying them or getting rejections. So like I said, I just succumb to the pain. Live with it.
On a side notes, I've started to watch all the movies that I have downloaded yet have not watch. That's good. Oh well, I hope when I write the next post, I'll be less dull and negative.
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.