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finding my way back

ok, so here's the thing.

i've got tons of things to say. not to mention, while i was laying on my bed,every sentence dat i wanna write in my blog pops out of nowhere. but it seems everytime i try to write it in the blog, i frgot all those wonderful lines that i feel so pissed off with myself for aving short-term memory in all the good stuff i produce. instead i cramped myself up with the bad stuff of life n bcoz i'm stuck in remembering all the negativity dat i try to make myself like a clown in my whole entire life. usually being optimistic is not a bad thing, thinking from the good side of the story. yeah i can live with that. but guess what, it ain't easy as it said. yeah yeah words are too easy. face, hah much more worst. you can easily deceive ppl. especially when lying is in the palm of your hand.pfft i just lost my point here. well if you have any characteristic from above, well let me tell you sumfing, u can't fool a fool. well apparently i'm a fool. so lets cut to the chase, i can see through u. wateva you do, wateva you say, wateva you think. its not always true. hey everybody ave their own little lie. but i ave been lying for my whole life. n i'm not saying dis proudly actually or just to be a big head, but i apparently can see all ur tricks. n its killing me actually. cuz i know wuts in ur heart.
all ur words. it doesn't mean a thing.
even when u dun say a word, ur face shows everything.
even when ur emotionless, i noe wut ur thinking.
look, we all noe that this is neva gonna end if no one is opening up. and bcoz of dat, i ave to figure dis out all by myself. finding the clues to all the puzzles dat u've made. or maybe i'm da one who cause all this? i dunno. i'm still trying to suit all the pieces. n guess wut? sum pieces is still missing.
where? dunno.
how? dunno.
what? not what.
but who. its u.
huh..look, i'm not saying as if i'm not like dat too. i mean.. yeah i go through the same hell thing.. i fake my smile, i laugh when i wanna cry. but i do tell. ask anybody. well not anybody, but ppl dat are close n dear to me. i do tell how i feel sumtimes. n it ease me alil bit. yet part of me wishes dat u were the one who was there by my side listening to my confessions. but i dun want to be the only one who confess while u being there like an advice talking booth. i dun want another councelor or a friend who always gave their advice to the ppl dat needs. i want u. i NEED u. i want a heart to heart conversations. in dat, no mask over our faces and no locked doors in our hearts. just... the truth.
mybe thats juz who u are. mybe u neva wanna tell ppl.. u juz keep it to urself. feeling frustrated on ur own.. mybe u want ppl to noe by themselves. cmon. u can't expect ppl to noe every single thing about u. we're not GOD. we're juz human. no matter how they say they really understand u, ur da only one who understand urself betta. but they can understand u. unless u tell them. dats da thing. u dun tell. again. u keep it to urself. it hurts u know, to see u being all down n thinking through all those things on ur own. when u dun realise, sumbody is watching u from faraway... every single thing u do.. wondering how to to get into ur mind. how to get into ur heart. cuz i feel so faraway when ur juz rite there.... no matter how hard i try to avoid, i keep asking myself. who am i to u... its not dat i'm doubting how u feel towards me... but to be honest with u, i feel like i'm juz one of them.. i'm not really that special to u... i'm juz... an anybody... yet i'm not entirely a nobody. at least...
i know.. sumtimes truth hurts alot more than a lie. but living in a lie is much more worst than the truth. trust me. been there, done dat. n i think u do too. but how wud u feel when i'm thinking about u, but i neva tell u wut i feel towards u. i mean it is about u. so obviously u ave da rite to noe it too. well,.... i noe how i feel... it doesn't matter if its not about me dat u r thinking... all i noe... dat i feel so hopeless n helpless standing rite next to u... cuz i can't do a thing.. n u go do the same ol thing... yeah dis is so u.. u standing rite in front me looking through me... lost in ur own thoughts.. while i feel like a dummy... n it hurts sumtimes, dat i'm not da one ur looking for.. but i respect ur decision.. mybe im not da one u need... but it still hurts no matter how hard i try.. i'm sorry but imagine, u spend ur whole life thinking dat u wud always be there. no! u r there. ur always there rite next to dat person. n u said to him/her, i'm here. dun worry. i'll always catch u when u fall. but then, juz when dat person is falling, he/she refuse of ur helping hand. b'coz y? he/she wants sumbody else. but i still respect u my dear. again.. mybe i'm not wut u need.. mybe i'm not da one u need... so its ok.. mybe "i need u" dat u said bfore wasn't really towards me i guess.. but to sumbody else.. but its ok.. i understand.. n i respect dat.
rite now.. all i want u to noe...
is dat i'm still here...still standing strong rite beside me..i'm still.. if u say dat i'm not there always.. now dats a lie.. b'coz i'm always there.. da truth? is dat u cudn't c me anymore. dats y u seem to think dat i'm not there..u look through me. wut do u expect? plus.. ur looking away from me rite now... u always do... guess da ol saying was true.. humans neva really look and see wut they already had. instead they searched for sumfing dat is not there.
well u probably ave tons of friends to care about u more than i do.. but wateva happens.. i'm still here.. u like me, u love me, u miss me, u hate me, u despise me,u push me away... i'm still here...
...................just call me when u need me.....

ps: this letter is not directly for one person. it may be him.. it may be her... but it involves da ppls dat i love. and probably its about me as well. wtv it is, lets just check ourselves shall we. cuz we may not noe n realise dat there r so many ppl dat care about urself dat u feel miserablely lonely when u shudn't. n sumtimes u feel life is so cruel to u, when u neva see thoroughly how dear the life to u. pls, dun jump conclusions n dun take it by da heart. any confusion, just be honest with me. cuz we humans ave so many different perspectives. so my advice, dun jump to conclusion. n dun interpret it da wrong way. thx for reading anyway. good morning,good day,good year n good life.

funny notes 1: no matter how much i lied saying dat i despise how dat gurl act in front of me and her atttitude towards me, i've been missing her ever since she started stop talking to me. ever since all those madness started to happen between us.
she was the first to know how i feel. now... i am da last to be on her list.

funny notes 2: its true wut zaki said. how ironicly my life works. last time my dad said when he got that promotion " u move backwards one step and u propel two steps forward." while in my condition, u lost one person while in the process u gain two person back in ur life. psssh. da funny thing is i need the one dat i lost. huh. wtv. life ohhhhh life.

funny notes 3: we both were wrong. but mostly was me. she trusted me. but i used it against her. i shudn't ave. just be'cuz i was searching n grabbing to da happiness i've always wanted, da people around me got hurt during da process. i ain't saying dat i'm regretting for finding my one true love. but how i wish it wudn't affect badly towards other ppl. but i guess happiness comes wiv big sacrifices. i neva fought for my happiness. cuz once i hold the happiness in my hands, somebody gets hurt. instead i gave it up n turn around. well i didn't turn around dis. cuz dat happiness is with me right now. n i hope it will always be. i noe it will. we'll get through this together. thick or thin. n fyi, i'm talking to you ashikin/ash/ken/ashie/ etc...
last monday night, was da beginning of all. n i thank you for dat. i miss it so much dat it hurts inside. how i can still remember u were da first to saw me cry at 9. u knew me from da beginning. u crazy gurl. ha.ha.. there so many things i wish i cud say. heh.. lets juz reminisce and laugh laugh laugh shall we? :)

funny notes 4: i better stop wiv this post. cuz i now its never gonna ave an ending if i dun stop at once. haha i ave tons to spill. but i guess my tiny brain can't handle too much memory dat i lost it. pffft effing brain. ngeh i still love u cuz u still work. haha good ol brain. oh i've been working on this post. for so long. but i didn't ave time to finish it up. pfft. ngeeh can't blame me, trial got me by da neck. haha oh practically i stop blogging b'coz of trial. haha oh well. n i really hope my.. hem... my moosy.... it feels so awkward.. oh yeah it's been awhile since i wrote dat in blog or buletin. wtv..... anyway but to my point. i really hope my moosy get da chance to read dis b4 he go back to his hometown tomorrow. n sorry i didn't call last nite. i didn't know u were waiting for my call. u dun usually do.. wait...dat sounded so wrong... em.. moving on!!!!

aaaaaah i hate dis posttttttttt. y??? cuz there so many things to say!!! i can't even remember any one of it. afters days laying on my bed.... so many things.. just fly to sky...ugh note to self, next time ave sumfing to say write it down on a piece of paper. then check. put up on blog!!!

toodly woodly doooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

selamat b'puasa utk 2 hari lagi n selamat hari raya!


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Tuesday, September 23, 2008 12:05 AM
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.

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sick of you

i apparently having the most awful fever+gastrik+headache= madness rite now. you probably wondering y am i still stubborn to be onlining and writing this post. well because i've rest too long and i'm too bored to rest. haha plus i miss n need sumone rite now. oh u've read my first chpter of my book? well any comments are appreciated.

this past few weeks, have been a very very hectic unusual weeks for me.

there so many ups and downs ( more down actually), and i am not highly proud to say i survived. pfft ok ok i've survived anyways. oh and btw, even if it has been 7 days of fasting month, i wud like to say

selamat berpuasa di bulan Ramadhan.

apparently i've realise dat i aven't been updating my blog for a long time. ngeh spm is always in our mind for now ppl. dun worry juz a few more months n we off to our freedom island! haha

but then when i think again, after spm, there's no more schools for us. no more laughing our heads off when teacher makes the worst jokes ever. no more sighing n complaining about teachers pissing us off. no more screaming n yelling at tons of frens when they grouped together to annoys us n bullied us. haha no more walking home from school. no more classmates all together crap in one room. wow. there so many things. even if we get to see each other again after this but it'll be a whole different world then. there is no more whole. its just you n the gengs that used to. haha without us noticing it, it has been 11 years us being in school. and now i'm babbling. i dun even noe wuts da point of all of this anyway. well wtv it is, if i knew that time wud past this fast, i wud cherish all the time i had wiv my friends. oh i love recess on wednesday last week. being bullied by moose,gjie n lala. haha priceless. i am not saying dat i like being bullied or anyfing,( dun get any idea zaki!) its juz dat was da time when i really laughed n i miss dat. n i miss u guys. especially u kanda. i miss the time when les fabs group together gossiping about other ppl n laughing our heads off. XDDD

and yesterday meeting wiv my old frens make me realise dat sum part of me do misses 18. but not to extent of wanting to be there again. i juz think dat they juz miss me for me not being there. i mean they wud be da same old persons dat i know for da past few years if i dun moved. ngeh wtv, all i know dat i'm glad we bumped to each other again. and i met with my secret big admirer yesterday! haha well apparently its not a secret anymore if i already know is it? XD ngeh he still likes me. i know he does. haha ngek sorry bro! ur still dudes to me. but hey! we're unseparated aite? ur my gay partner! XD

oh sorry queeny!! u've missed on meeting nik in person. seriously i was like yelling at him n pulling him screaming. "nik!!! why didn't u tell queeny u were here!! how long u've been here! how cud u!" n i didn't queite remember wut else did i yelled at him all i know i was so mad. XD mad dat queeny wasn't there n it gets more unluckier dat her tusyen was cancelled! how life is so cruel! and then i ask n pleaded n beg him saying i want to take a pic of him. after hours of pleading for his permission to take pic, he finally agreed.n he was like mad at me cuz he said he look horrible in the pic. XD sorry lerrr. n i'm really sorry dat i can't send to you dat pic queeny. i dunno y. i've tried n tried but it juz cudn't pass through. maxis said dat there was a comunication error. pfft screw u maxis!! X(

n then i laugh more wiv my old dudes n annoyed them more n mirul went all emo n touching. haha juz like ol' time aite! XD
eqmal,amirulafiq,faizi,azwan,firdaus,nikrahimi,etc etc and i met a new friend named fendi. hai hottie! XD haha

b'coz of my overfriendliness n my great humors n jokes, he laughed so hard dat he was attracted to my force. haha giler poyo! well wtv it is, welcome to my circle of life. XD
god i made my post sounds so happy when i'm like pissing off rite now n not mention i'm sick like hell.

oh well till then. thx for reading this crap. XD oh i miss my dear hyakuji!

n oh my best night eva was thursday nite! XD i knew i shud ave called him! XD da bomb! well even if its hard to get through to him. but i neva give up on calling u. even if it pisses me. but i neva give up cuz my love neva lets me! i love u oh too much my kanda! walking in the rain. when all the souls are all sleeping, so quiet n tranquil. only you n me. hugs n kisses bonus to the feeling that we kept everyday. and yes even cats were jealous of us together. but you're still in my heart. y? cuz apparently u took my heart n planted it in yours as well. :)

oh notes : somehow i wonder why ppl criticize other ppl when they neva look in the mirror themselves. i mean u said dat u are surrounded by fakers when u are one of them too. yes get this in your head perempuan, you're a faker too. n all that saying about tariq's friends are sugapop candy girls etc etc ( ape lagi ntah yg kau kutuk, aku xnk tau n xnk kisah), well guess wut, ur juz like wut u think they are. pfft worst, u are more horrible than them. but i guess thats juz life, one thinks they are betta than the other. pfft look in the mirror u fool. but i guess the mirror breaks to pieces before u even get to see urself. n wuts wiv da pic yo? "some importants notes from the past"?????are u trying to piss me off or sumfing? cuz it ain't working. i actually felt sorry for u. seriously! drop the act! my advice, dun judge the book by its covaaaa! pfft.
and u'll neva be betta if ur attitude is worst.

funny notes : my hyakuji is crazy especially when raining but i still love him. XDDD

look at dis pic hyakuji, u can see the raindrops. i told u i'm a good camera girl ;P


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Sunday, September 7, 2008 3:38 PM
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.

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from a far

p/s: before you read this, i wud like to say dat this is not like a diary or anyfing actually. ok alil bit. but it's been awhile since i ave this urge to do a story. i dunno y. no. not a story like telling my story or anyfing. its like doing a novel. yup. like one of my favourite author, Tony Parsons, Jacqueline Wilson, Cecelia Ahern. but whether this is fiction or based on true story(or my true life story) that is for me to know and you to find out. :) enjoy.

how strange and unique how our eyes grows with our thoughts.
just yesterday you were walking through da same road you go through everyday n you came across an unusual road dat u've never seen n never went through it before. and as time passes by, you've juz realize dat time took you to dat road again but this time is different, you are walking through that road that you've watched from a distance. the road that makes you wonder, where does it lead? well da answers was
juz rite in front of you n you were like unwrapping a package to see whats inside.

today is different. i felt it in my guts. i'm the type of person who like to see things for its beauty. you may think i'm crazy but i take my eyes seriously. and i am thankful that i was born normal. well partially normal. i don't take a glimpse of look. i don't look things as it is a small thing but i do not expand it sight. however, i admire it. that is how i live my life till today. yet if i didn't take a second look towards sumfing then that maybe means i cudn't take my eyes off from sumfing dat i cared n deared da most. so practically the theory of you can't seem to see anyone else but that person/ thing you love is true. and most of my time admiring thing will lead me to a silent moment. so practically if i am being quieter than i use to, that means i'm thinking sumfing. yes, i guess you can labelled me as the most easiest person to lost in thoughts. as i admire,i think. when i think, i compose words to describe how i feel. and as words combined into a sentence in my mind, i write. and that is why you are reading this. take note that as you are reading this, you are reading my thoughts. but don't get too smarty pants. coz maybe the meaning that i am about to send to you its not as what you think. and sometimes words that are fully constructed can still came out wrong. but that is juz life. you may not know why, but it will come to you one day when you will say, 'i will not achieve this success/happiness if it wasn't for the mistake that i ave done.' that is called karma.

it is either my brain is receiving too much impulses that it wrongly miscalculated the response or my instinct is telling me sumfing. but that is sumfing we do not know. thats juz da mysteries of life. but today is different.its not that every other day is nt different but its funny and amazing how admiring things by looking at it can make your brain interpret oh so much. he was different. no wait. he was the same guy that i knew but he look different. not by his physical appearance, but his eyes tell me that his mind is different. watching him walking towards me from far, thinking how i was rite about him still being there. but then that eyes. all my proud thoughts vanished n it focus on one nerve response. him. mybe i am analysing his body language too much but that is juz me. i have been deceived too many times for too long. but past has teached me dat there is only one thing that they can never lie to me. their eyes. all those words they say, all their facial expression. they can lie at the outer side but never the inner. 'sorry'. thats what he said. i'm not sure whether he is saying it to me or to himself. funny thing about the brain is that it has too many interpreters to interpret thousands of signals that they cudn't really identified how other ppl feel. dat proves dat we are mortal human being. while other ppl continued talking to themselves, he just stares at the empty space. walking like a living doll. there he goes, that eyes again. obviously you don't need to read his mind to know that he is thinking. but what makes it different that the eyes were serious as the thoughts in his mind thinking. so practically i can guess dat he is thinking sumfing big. or at least important in his life. probably da test really affect him. 'how was it?'. no response. exactly. it is either i talk too slow which sumhow hard to believe dat or he was too deep in his adventure of thoughts in his mind. at time like this you appreciate the priceless apportunity to admire him from near wivout being ashamed of him noticing me doing it. watching his eyes, his movements, that face,... wondering how i get so lucky,what is he thinking, shud i ask him, will he tell me, and the list went on n on. funny but that is juz how our amazing brain work. sorry putting u lot of trouble brain.

but brain doesn't always has advantages, there are times when u will be deceive by the thoughts n it flows to the heart, influencing your emotions and all. and then we venture to the negativity of life, y isn't he telling me, he's not thinking about me isn't he, who am i in your heart, am i a doll to you, i feel u lying, i feared that fake smile of yours. but then again when i think back, every single thing that i ask myself just now was the same thing i did throughout my life, whether willingly or not. we tend to gaze to an empty space sumtimes to get our mind rite on the track. we tend to keep ourself silent to concentrate on the issues. so as the brain conclude the nerve response, we make options in the process and predict every each possibilities of what will happen if you pick that option. ' how was it' asked again. 'oh' like waking up from a trance ,'well the usual stuff '. he will eventually tell if he wants. at least dats what i'm hoping for. yet if he doesn't want to tell maybe he knows how to take control of it by himself. 'it never burdens me if you tell, yet it is your choice. just so u know, i'll always here for you and forever will. so don't get caught up in your own thoughts. one may seem lil but how about two? it doesn't hurt does it? a helping hand can make it easier to mend.'

[part one]

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Friday, September 5, 2008 11:09 PM
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
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