one word for it. empty.
i woke up today and realise dat this past few years, my feelings towards raya has faded as times passes by.
its like i am not wut i used to be. raya has been sumfing so special to me. now... its juz a hollow day. i used to look forward to this day. when i was little, i love raya cuz dats when i got free money. haha hey dats wut kids do. plus i wasn't really dat closed to any of my cuzins. i lived at Alor Setar, Kedah for 10 years. so apparently i didn't get to spend much time wiv them. n most of da time we had arguments wiv each other. haha rite jojot? we were like da unseparated cat and dog. always fighting. but then when kakya started taking care of me after my maid ran away. dat was da beginning of a wonderful life i've been missing my whole life. we fought n fought. now look at us. closer than eva. not a single cut can tear us apart. we're like glued to each other strong as UHU glue. XD how i miss the ol times. but i guess things can't always be up. it has been down. n up. so i guess its time to be down again... so da future brings me separations. kakya, remember when arwah nenek said dat she was scared dat all of her grandchildrens were closed to each other now dat mybe soon we'll won't be as closed as it was before. well i guess she was rite. kak tati is in australia. abg cepoi is now at london. and abg aizat is well sumwhere else( pfft i forgot, sorry! ur moving faraway these days ) and when arwah nenek leaves us, we were all hanging on to sumfing dat was gone. atok gotten even more worst. our family drifted even more apart. eventhou only my mother side of da family is drifting apart, it really affect my life.
there's nufing much left in me. i used to ran around serendah, playing bunga api with all my cuzins. being as silly or dumb as possible da night b4 raya.while everybody was snoozing under the star, we were shooting into the star. haha remember da time when u guys got lectured by daddy b'cuz u guys were playing mercun. haha i was little bak then. i didn't got blame for dat. haha
huh..now, wut do i do at da night b4 raya? i stay outside the house. sitting on the swing while talking to a smelly cute cat dat keeps pampering wiv me. ALL ALONE. i think i'd bored him to death wiv my talks dat he eventually stop tickling me n slept on my lap. i cudn't sleep. well ofcos, how can u sleep when u r surrounded by ur brothers in one bed. it was so cramped! n i swear dat my brothers punches me on da face dat nite. pfft!! but that wasn't the only reason. i cudn't sleep... well b'cuz i cudn't. guess too many things were in my head dat time.
....no more sounds of laughter at atok's house. no more screaming n yelling getting ready for raya prayers. no more lining up to get duit raya b'cuz our family are very BIG. no more taking pics as family one by one. no more formal non formal actions for picture taking. haha. GOD.
nenek... can u see how much we miss u since u been gone?.. i noe u can see us.. i saw atok's face last year when we visited u. there were tears.. but he kept it. i'm sorry i cudn't visit u dis year. mama said i had to study. yeah i'm aving spm dis year. wish me luck k. i'll visit u someday. i noe i will.. i miss making kuih koci with u nenek.. ur kuih koci was da best. haha remember the time when i cudn't make it to ur house n u saved me a bunch of kuih koci. cuz u noe, i really love it. i'm sorry i didn't get to finish it. i was really busy but u neva gave up. u did a bunch of more juz so i cud eat. n i called u to say thx.... *tears*
u were always there for me. but i wasn't really much there for u. i didn't get to spend much time wiv u.. u were very sick.. i didn't get to say i miss u when i saw u at ICU. but u knew. u juz nodded at me. i'm sorry.. for crying.. i promised u dat i'll neva be sad. n be strong for others. i did.. but i wasn't strong for myself. while bathing ur cold breathless body, mama said u were as if sleeping. i said to myself, if u were sleeping, i wish i cud wake u up at dat moment instant. so dat i cud see u smile again. but i juz cudn't. if i did dat, it wud disrespect u n like i'm lying to myself. u wudn't want me to do dat. wud u? no. u wudn't. u didn't even get to see pakcu's wedding. i noe dat u dun mind leaving so early as long as u get to see pakcu being engaged. but can't u stay for alil while to see de ending? da wedding was green in colour. i'm sure u will love it. huh..
pfft. wut am i talking? i keep bringing things down. haha sorry nenek! u'd probably pinching my cheek by now. n hugging me till i suffocate. haha
oh dat reminds me, i aven't check how much did i get for today. haha it seems dat it doesn't really matter to me anymore. since mama got a promotion jumping from judge straight to becoming 'Penasihat Undang-Undang Malaysia', ( pfft i ave to spell it rite or she'll kill me from telling da wrong info.) our parents has up our grades of raya. haha. huh.. who am i kidding? i am so not into raya this year. argh!! wtv.. to da ppl out there, my advice to u, enjoy wut u ave while u ave it. cuz u neva noe wut ur missing till its gone. haih...
apparently these whole week, my mind hasn't been with me. it had flown to the other side of dimensional world. haha. i kept reminiscing my days being with him n how i enjoy being in les fab. da day i came to 9. ah! so many memories.eventhou i only been wiv u guys for exactly 9 months, i've felt so home wiv u. yeah i guess home is not always happy. sumtimes there's bound to be fight. but sum ppl said dats wut makes da bond grow stronger. haiya.... y ppl ave to be annoyingly rite sumtimes. haha XD wut will we eva be in da future?
ps: thx for da ppl dat sent me wishes through sms. for sum ppl dat i didn't get to reply, i'm really sorry. there's no line at my hometown ( kajang lame. haha XD) i used to send cards n all to my friends whom i've been never contact for so long. sorry harith, melly, shakina, adilah and etc. we are all bz with spm. ah. its been so long. oh well, lets juz cherish da moment.
pss: to all my friends, family and my loves one ( u know who u are), i wud like to say thank you. thank you for being part of my life. as i stand today, who i am becoming or ave become, it is all b'cuz of u. for the things dat i've done n da words dat hurt u deeply. i wud like to say i'm sorry. sorry if i wasn't there enuf for u. sorry dat i didn't get u at certain times. sorry dat i acted dat way towards u. sorry dat i wasn't good enuf for u. sorry dat i made u cry. sorry dat i cudn't kept my promise. sorry dat i lied. sorry dat i cudn't repay bak all da good deeds u did to me. sorry dat i've tried my best, but my best wasn't good enuf. sorry dat i was bad when i was supposed to be better. sorry dat da only thing i cud say is sorry. sorry dat if dis sorry is not enuf for u.
may u live ur life with full of patienty and unforgetable happiness.
i dunno wut to say anymore. there just so many dat i cudn't think one at a time. hope u enjoy ur raya week. zaki, u ave no idea how i miss u rite now. n thx nas ( nasrudin ali fyi X) ).
queenytinilalagjie!! bila gue bisa raya umah kamu? haha jom gi raya hunting! XDDDD
thx 4 reading dis thou. ave a pleasant dreams n good day,good life and.. well.. i love you :)
<<<-------meet iman najmi bin asmadi. my nephew. yes, i am an auntie. X) he's only 1 years old and he weighs 13 kg. he is very active yet a very shy boy. and he likes to pinch ppl. especially at their tummy. X) ask my angah. he loves girls. i mean REALLY. he has a potential to becoming a hotstuff n casanova as he likes to play eye contact with his victim. trust me. i was one of his victim. haha i almost fell for his winking, i heard da voice of zaki yelling from inside my head saying " dun u dare! " haha iman is very clever for his age and he is single. haha
well dats it. alil bit of family tree in my blog.
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.