ok. lets cut to the chase. I'M NOT HAPPY RIGHT NOW.
my day plot end up so hectic.
from tired --> clueless --> happy --> grateful --> feeling stupid --> bored --> clueless --> frustrated --> motivative --> energetic --> tired --> miserable.
great ending huh? sarcasticly yeah!
pfft. i know that most of my post is apparently about emo-ing or weeping about sad stuff. ( well most of them.)
ok honestly, i don't really have the heart to write this.. i'm damn too tired but... i can't sleep! i can't call my love. why? because his phone is off. why? because his batt is dead. why? because the batt is broken. why? because life is not on MY SIDE! i am freakingly effing worried and missing him like crazy. shit! i always call him every day n nite. and one nite no call feels like i'm dying... X(
the ' best part', he doesn't know. ( ngeh, he knows. i think *straight face* )
wow, so many things to complain and nag about. just dunno where to start. dunno how to start.
ok lets start with how school end.
crycrycrycrycry. done. haha oh and thx queeny for the bag :)
well, for most ppl, when their spm ends, they ave nothing to do. well i don't. i used up my time training these two boys of my ex classmates from 18, afiq and syed for OIAM. for ppl who doesn't know that, kluar2 lah ye dari tempurung itu. ONE IN A MILLION. the audition was on saturday. so we had limited time for training. and as usual, there are conflicts during training. mostly from afiq's parents. i really feel sad for him. i mean, we all know how it feels to be left unspoken. for once, we wished parents can understand us more. after all those hardwork, on the audition day, afiq's parents force afiq to not enter it. so there goes all our hope. life is just LIKE THAT.
but at least we had best memories together during training. right atok? ;) its great to see u again btw. can't wait for PERAM nite. haha from buntut to kentut, haha!!! hai.. thx guys.. walaupun memenatkn melyn kamu XD, it was great.
but i never get tired of listening to those singing. they are really good. playing piano all day was worth it for them. haha
and at the end of training, miyo slept on the floor while i played the piano and ATOK SANG. yes ppl. atok sang to the music i played. amazing :)
saturday, 29/11: went to ira's party. it wasn't a blast but it was good for body, mind and soul. fyi, ira is my evil brother-in-law's daughter. haha pelik kan? biler saya kahwin? lol
ok mcm ni. my boyfriend, zaki has a little pet bro( adik angkat). so that pet bro ( shahril :D) is consider as my brotherinlaw. at the same time, shahril has a 'daughter' and she is ira! haha its weird but thats us. we're like big family. :) so ira is like my 'niece'. eventhou its weird and annoying, she calls me her aunt. haha XD weird is us.
on that day, i get to c my bf. :) miss him too much! and we went exploring! it was fun/awesome/amazing/lovelovelove moment! :)
the party was held at tasik mahkamah. ala sebelah mahkamah sultan aziz shah je rupenyer. gedik tul. nasib baik ku x sesat. XD zaki came to rescue me from being clueless walking at the side road. lol. caution; tasik ada byk monyet. haha! seriously. giler la, jumpe kaum kerabat ana. haha XD juz kidding. zaki was the tarzan. dats wut we said when he was standing on the hill alone, admiring the nature on his own. aww, he's bonding with his nature. haha XD
but today, hem.. lets just say i've cried too many times..
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
amazing! just when i tot things couldnt get any more worst, i've spoiled my first week of spm with dengue, i've wasted my add-maths paper for still aving the fever and a brain which can't take in addmaths. and today i am officially clueless and blank for bio. every single spot question wasn't in the paper. ada la sgt experiment BOD kan? ada la potometer sgt? ada la nutrition sgt? ade ka?
klu boleh, saya mahu bunuh sama itu penggubal. mari kita sama2 nk?
tpi apakan daya, 'penggubal' tu 'HEBAT' sgt.
ugh, whats done is done.
the most unpopular experiment came out. the unbelieveable questions, ugh.
the funny thing is, is that i did flicked through that experiment in the book. which i didn't take note of it!! ugh, how cud i ave just neglected it! ugh...
stop it fasya! there's no use of making urself miserable about wut has past. snap out of it. snap! ow!.. that hurts, seriously...
i cud say the same damn thing about physics paper. but ngeh, waste of time.
so tomorrow... thats it. for some of us..., its the last day of school..
you know the funny thing is, we used to nagged and complains about waking up early going to school... haha... and telling how boring it is the school sometimes... and how lamer can homework be... *tearsrolling*
and right now, we're talking as if its the end of the world. hahahahha
i mean, cmon.. its not like.. we're never ever...ever gonna see each other again... huh...
lol, THAT coming from a girl who's wiping her tears right now...
ok ok, fine. mybe ur right... mybe i don't really have tons n tons n bunch of memories like u guys do.. cuz i'm just a newbie...
pfft this is stupid. I'M stupid.
from saying hello, to saying goodbye..
even the littlest thing can bring tears to our eyes..
i'm sorry... i'm sorry for all those words... fine, i'm paranoid. but that doesn't fight the fact that it was wrong.. I was wrong.
i love you too much. i never wanna hurt u at all. never... so if i did, that kills me.
say what you want to say, but i'd die lots of time just to keep myself from hurting u.
sad notes; i never know why this tears are too generous these days, or is it JUST too cheap to be given away everyday..
-nothing is ever fun when i'm not with you. believe me.-
GOD, pls don't tear us apart. let us be.
i love him with all my heart, and so does he.
give us faith to keep on going.
give us strength to keep on trying.
he's my soul, he's my life.
he's the one that i think, every single nite.
don't close our eyes,
with all them ppls lies.
show him how much he means to me.
and don't keep him away from me.
nothing else matter,
as much as being with you forever.
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
don't you just love it? just when you said, "can things get any worst??" and bam! there you go.
you know for a min i thought that spm is my worst nightmare, but it turns out i became one of the luckiest spm-ers. spm is already a horror, but spm+dengue= doing spm in hospital. now that is a new thing.
ok, a form 5 die before spm, a form 5 die during spm. sounds familiar. a form 5 doing spm in hospital because of a dengue? thats hilarious. just few weeks ago i was reading about dengue at atok's blog. and bam, the next thing you know, i was in the hospital taking blood test everyday. why? because i have DENGUE.
pfft to be honest with you, few days before spm, i knew i had a fever. but as usually, like anybody else, i neglected it thinking that "it was just another fever, it will be gone by the time you know it". and it DID.
but then, just the day after i had laughs and playing with my twins, the day after my parents and izzat went to beijing. that day - the day before spm-, i had a crashdown. i knew sumfing was up. my bro thought that i was just snoozing myself off when i wasnt. kak jannah check my temperature, again we thought it was another ordinary fever.i sent a msg to mama saying i was having fever ( hoping mybe she rethinks of me taking spm, didn't work ). mum called and as usually giving instructions. i was fine after two milledon 500g and two cups of tea with honey. i can even laugh while talking to zaki on the phone that night.
but that first day of spm, thats when everything started. i couldnt breathe, i couldn't stand up. the world was spinning around so fast, or was it me? i didn't even get a good nite sleep because i keep waking up every minute. i closed the air-conds and the fan. but still i feel like i'm at the north pole. i pulled myself together saying that, today is the first day of spm. i can't let some stupid fever get in the way ( stupid fever la sgt! tgk2 denggi, hampeh! ) but the fever has won over me. there i was, 7.25am lying in front of my living room, being insulted by my eldest brother ( he tot i was just trying to slck off from spm), another two pills of milledon and i'm in the car. mum called after i gave msg. she keeps telling me to pushed myself. pfft the thing about having dengue alone, ppl around you hve no idea how sick you are and how you couldn't even stand. so how the heck you're gonna push urself when ur already at ur limit????
when i arrived at school, that was it. i was gasping for air, my brother just realise i'm not playing any role. i am SICK. before you know it, teachers including my own principal of smks9, Pn Maizan surrounded me asking me whether i can make it through the day. she hugged me, kissed my cheek when i said i wanna do spm at school wivout any of my body being inserted a needle or two. i or shud i say 'we' (teachers all pushing me) keep telling myself that its just another fever. it'll be gone the next day. i was isolated to the 'bilik pesakit'. before exam starts, pn maizan hugged me over n over telling me i can do it. and she cried.
at that moment, i felt so grateful to be in smks9 and have teachers like that. now thats one of the moment that makes u think that life isn't all bad. XD
but then again, i was puking during the exam, and dizzy throughout. seriously, i cried. i cried cause it was freaking BM paper and i cudnt do the best i cud. i cud ave done better. and i shud! but damn effing fever. les fab came by during the recess. that cheer me up abit. and don't forget zaki. XD thx love.
(ok this post is too long! lets just get this fact straightforward)
skipped all the drama, i was admitted to hospital the second day of spm. because i was suspected to ave denggi after my first blood test at DEMC. (i took it after school) and i was too sick to do the spm at school.
seriously, it wasn't fun at all. i did sejarah paper 2 at hospital.
u feel so limited, my left hand is being inserted with needles so that they can suck in 0.9% NaCl solution into my body. gosh, blaja chemist plak kt hospital. -_-"
i've stayed at the hospital for one week. it was tough. everyday they take blood from you. it hurts. plus, they keep taking it when ur started to think that u finally can fall asleep. seriously, its hard to sleep! it was so cold! ugh.. seriously, there is no special and luxury about taking spm in the hospital. food SUCKS. everyday bubur je! dh la bubur kosong. lame!!! X( lol
but here i am, after one week, the doctor said i was getting better. hah! who said i wasn't taking care of myself? lol eventhough she said i wasnt ready to discharged, but i insisted on going home. hey, my bed at home is much more nicer than the hspital ok. eventhough you can't move the bed up and down like the hospital's does, its my bed. so yeah! haha but it feels good when your hand is not stuck to a water support thingy ( ntah x tau ape yg diorg panggil -_-")
honestly, byk bende boleh ckp psl demam denggi ni. oh oh! caya atau tidak, bi paper aritu kuar psl demam denggi. haha giler xleh bla. and the funny freaking thing is, i cudn't even answer a full essay for both questions in paper 1 english. giler bengang. stupid fever! when i finished the paper, i've just realised that ade 3 poster psl demam denggi and factor2 nyer terpampang di dinding bilik tu. stupid! -_________- giler seyh..
like i said, byk bende leh ckp psl demam denggi yg saya alami. and i would like to say thanx to
-zaki, for supporting me all the way, love you <3
-along, for always there for me. sorry sakit farah mengheret along sanasinisitu
-kak anees, for taken care of me. XD
-les fabs, for being there for me. thx for visiting as well.
-shahril, ur the best brother-in-law. XD ops, don't forget evil XD
-aunti rozi and husband. seriously kamu berdua mmg best! :)
-maklong sekeluarga. oh man, i'm getting emo and mushy.. thx sebab sanggup dtg and sorry x bagitau awal. n jojot, terima kasih sebab care sgt psl perempuan gedik ni. haha :'<
-oh atok, tak lupa kamu juga. XD terima kasih shahrullah! XD
senang cite, thx to all that has been supporting me all the way. my parents that never stop giving me hope and faith. i've screwed up my SPM. they knew. we knew. there's nothing left we cud do but just wait and see.
ugh.. this post is too long....
i'd better stop now. seriously...
but thx anyway for reading! toodles!
and i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu XDDD
funny notes; i'm addicted to you. ;) and that feels good. XD
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
before you say any word, i would like to remind you this is MY BLOG. meaning 'I', can do WHATEVER i WANT with it. ok?
so here goes, arrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ( x1000000000000000000000000 ) and thats not even half of it. pffffffffffffffffffffffffffttttt.
the thing about life, is that when you were just about to be happy, it knocks you down so hard that you crashed to the ground and the 'best' part of it, is that how to get up back.
sorry if i'm rude, but DAMN!!!
again, i am here. 3 am in the morning. doing this post. i think this could be my new habit. when i have problems, i'll stay up all night and exactly at 3 am, i'll do a post. if your a good fan of my blog, you would notice that few of my posts that i've posted ( that sounds so weird -_-) at 3 am consists of my struts and frets in life ( wait, this sounds familiar.. ). no wonder eyebags are always there. pft but what do i care. i never even least give a damn about my facial features. cause' i know this is who i am. and nothing's ever gonna change. if i'm ugly, boo-hoo. i might as well be.
i'm mad,angry,frustrated,sad,guilty,devastated,miserable,cranky, etc etc etc. every single words that describe grief and sorrowness. yup that is so me. pathetic.
i'm emo? shut up. you would do the same damn thing if you were in my state fool.
plus i'm hungry that my stomach is making an orchestra. which is a BAD thing.
bonus to the tears that is rolling down my cheeks. pfft the greatest. thank you LIFE.
you are the most stupidest girl i've ever known! ( i'm referring to myself fyi, jgn terasa)
lately ppl keep judging me and labelling me as if they really know me. pfft you don't know a single thing about me. so hush up! blaming others for your own mistakes, who do you think you are? God? pffft puh-lease. can't you just for once! listen to me?! sometimes, i wish i could just get into that brain of yours and see what the hell is inside. you keep asking me what do i want, well let me ask you, what do you REALLY WANT? i guess you're happy aren't ya? being all sarcasticly mean and all. and seeing me breakdown all the time. i'm sure some of us are laughing and mocking me for my stupid miserable state rite now.  i've pushed away a guy that really 'cares' and 'know' all about me ( which it doesn't really matter cause' from the BEGINNING i'm so over him. shut up! i am over it sengal! ) but still you think i still have a thing for him. oh shut up. you don't even know anything. can't you see, how i am drooling over my boyfriend. can't you see how desperate i am for my own boyfriend. yes. DESPERATE. it's as if i'm not coupling with him. but i AM. which means I AM TOO IN LOVE WITH HIM. and to think that anybody would understand it. i don't blame. i mean it seems like everybody is thinking the same way. pfft they just assume from what they see,saw and hear. but they won't know the real truth until you listen first-hand from my stupid blabber mouth. everyday, i wait patiently for my msg to be replied. everyday i keep wondering what he is doing,what he is thinking, why he is doing this and that ( yeah i'm thinking too much. sorry but thats just me). sometimes i cried for being so helpless cause' i can't help him. sometimes i cried cause i can't be a better girlfriend. sometimes i cried for missing him too much. sometimes i cried for feeling grateful to get to have him. right now, i'm crying for crushing his heart, for being such a low stupid jealous selfish bitch, for not going with my instinct in the first place, for not respecting his own principles, for letting my heart and emotions win over my own optimistic mind. no matter how hard they tried to convince me that i have the right to be jealous, but i know much better to trust him and to trust my own best friend. but i screwed up big time.
so i was jealous. so what? everybody gets jealous sometimes. sorry but i think you have heard the word imperfect. I'M NOT PERFECT. NOBODY is. and unfortunately i was pissed off over many things that my -again- stupid blabber mouth said some words that i shouldn't have. the thing is i wasn't aiming at you. yes i was jealous. but you have no idea how furious i am that day. it feels like the world was laughing while circling around me. pffft! listen here, everybody makes mistakes. some are lucky cause they got away with their mistakes. why? cause there's few ppl -who doesn't hold grudges and forgive without hesitate- that still exists. and guess what, you are one of the lucky ones. i'm not. when i do something bad whether big or small, ppl judge me from head to toe and they'll remember it for the rest of their lives. and here we go again, labelling. " that bitch. i'll never forget what she did.", "ko ingat lagi tak ape yang ko buat masa lps2? ko ingat aku x sakit ati lagi psl tu? aku ingat smpi mati! tpi aku maafkan jugak (maaf la sgt)", " i'm tired of this crap. again! you ruined it! haven't you learn anything from past?!" now that sounds my parents. no matter what subjects, whether spm,upsr,pmr,rudeness,being late,being right (they never admit that they're wrong. so they blame me frm not telling). but i think my dad stop caring about me last week ago. whoopie me. pfft oh that leads to  i've just lost my own parents' love.
 i've ruined my best relationship i've ever had. it can't never be compared to any other relationship. but he declined me. well sort of.
 and i've lost my bestfriend. she hates me ( ps; i don't hate you at all! sengal...), she doesn't wanna talk to me, she's mad at me, she's hurt ( pffffft!), and i think i'd be better off died. whoa, now i sound like my dad. haha trust me, if you think that you'd be happy if i die, give me a gun and i'll shot myself. but that sounds as if i'm insane! haha giler ke ape saya ni? saya masih ada maruah dan iman lagi. saya tak berkhidmat pada kamu, saya berkhidmat pada Allah.
the no1 doesn't bother me anymore, but the no2,3 and 4 are running through my minds every seconds which makes it hard to concentrate on spm. which i'm really terrified rite now if i can do it or not. i'm like totally out of balanced and really down on myself. it feels like you have a major hots on your boyfriend but your boyfriend doesn't acknowledge you at all. he just stares you blankly as if we're strangers. as if he doesn't love you anymore which is frustrating cause you're like so in love with him and trying to get to him.
and from the above i only wish few things to help me calm down for a few minutes of life ;
a. forget all the mistakes that i've done
b. knowing ways how to fix things again
c. her forgiveness
d. his forgiveness
e. daddy and mama
g. things back to the way it was ( i miss being so happy with them, i miss zaki's real laugh, i miss him most of all, i miss daddy's and mama's hug, i miss les fab hugs, i miss my bestie,i miss queeny,tini,lala,gjie and above all, i miss me. i miss laughing for real, i miss smiling for real, i miss...i miss...i miss zaki...)
but i know i've lost it. i've lost it all. its gone... *tearstearstears*
goodbye lovely life, welcome back misery pain.
ps; sorry for the enormous gigantic emo post. i just, don't know where to turn anymore. i just don't wanna hurt and burden zaki anymore. he's hurt enough to even talk to me about this.
funny notes; thnk you adilah. you opened up my eyes alil. thnks ashie. i'm sorry for everything. yes, i'm stupid. thnks irham for trying to comfort me. and i'm sorry to everybody that i've hurt. we all make mistakes, thats how we learn to live. no matter how hard we try to avoid it, we will end up making mistakes.
i'm sorry QUEENY
i'm sorry MOOSE
i'm sorry LALA
i'm sorry TINI
i'm sorry GJIE
i'm sorry DADDY
i'm sorry MAMA
i'm sorry BROTHERS
i'm sorry NASRUDIN
i'm sorry ASHIKIN
i'm sorry 5 SCIENCE 2
i'm sorry SIK
i'm sorry smks 9
i'm sorry HAMZAH
i'm sorry smks 18
good luck spm-ers, Bismillahirrahmanirrahim... terangkanlah hati kami Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, lapangkan dada kami agar kami dpt menempuh cabaran ini dengan sabar, tabah dan tenang. luaskan pemikiran kami agar kami dapat menjawab soalan2 SPM. tunjukkanlah jln yang benar dan lurus dan jgn Kau pesongkan hati kami. kurniakanlah kami kejayaan dan jauhi kami dari hasad dengki, keburukan,bala dan kekecewaan di dunia dan di akhirat. ampunilah dosa2 kami sesungguhnya Engkau maha pengampun lagi Maha mengasihi. Amin ya rabbal a'lamin...
good day and assalamualaikum wbt..
pss: i love you :(
i respect you, and i really mean it.
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
first of all, thank you 4 wishing my birthday :
queeny;lf zaki nasrudin tinot;lf eqmal irham :) nik ahmad rafiq XD lala;lf amirulafiq jojot gjie;lf farhana syed nuraini nana kak anees kakya,maklong,abg dwan ashikin atok/shahrullah X) nuha and etc :) ilyasm
eventhough i only spent 1 year in smks9, i think i've grabbed it up all that was in the school. X) loL.
ofcourse i do wish smtime that i hve went there from the beginning. i'm just glad to be a part of it for alil while.
the thing about graduation is that nobody can be too happy or too sad in that moment. and in our minds, every single memories we've had there playing back all over again.
oh by any chance, is SMKS or SMKA 18 is doing any graduation day? they never had one b4. i wonder if they're gonna do it this year. atok! give me the scoop will ya? ;)
thx anyway queeny for the backup veil. pfft next time i'm gonna force my mum to do what the school ask. pfft spending alil money wouldn't hurt to spare me the trouble won't it? wtv, but there was a reason for it. such as i won't be sitting in the kuliah room to feel the wind rather than cramping in the hall with the rest. XD
i think i should start opening up seriously. meaning no more keeping to myself about anything. the problem is, i don't want to look or feel like i'm the only person who is trying so hard, or should i say "desperate". but i don't want to be controlled by anybody. i mean, afraid of what ppl say? worried how ppl will feel or think about what we do? that is so letting yourself and life being control by others. but then again, if i tell the truth, some ppl judge me being too sensitive or telling ppl what to do. i'm not commanding or demanding. respect is all i need. everybody needs to be respect.
i feel like crap. probably because this has been going on for so long. and i guess my line of patiency has been crossed. my advice to you, do not try to make me jealous. i swear to you, if i'm mad, i can still sustain myself. but jealousy is something that even my daddy can't control. haha
don't judge me. this is who i am so accept me. if you can't, then don't bother. and i dislike paparazzi. the only thing they would do is make a big fuss out of a scoop. listen here mister, my world doesn't revolve around anybody (except zaki X) ). so get this fact straight, i don't care what you think. and don't talk shit to me if you don't really know what is going on.
and when will you start to learn that do not judge the book by it's cover? let me be honest with you, i have no intention of making anybody or anyone jealous. and i am not wht you think i am ash. those words, yeah yeah i get it. listen here sweetie, ever heard of "kawan biar seribu, cinta biar satu" ? ok, let me tell all of you bozos, zaki and me are not going anywhere. we're staying together for ever whether you like it or not. so just because one day you don't see me with him, doesn't mean i already brokeup with him. what the fish?? and the fact that you guys making faces (seriously most of guys always make face like shit to me) with each other, signalling as if i can't see it. pfffft! you don't like me? i don't like you either.
my advice; DON'T MESS WITH MY MAN, OR I WILL BE THE ONE TO GIVE IT TO YA
ya heard? oh, and if you got something to say, say it to my face. put your money where your mouth is silly.
and don't tell me how to lead my life.
haha when you think about it, post ni mcm seriously xleh bla seyh. but heh, this is my blog, so i can do wtv i want anyways. XD hah! one more thing. don't jump to conclusion. sengal seyh. X)
funny notes; last saturday, they said that we won't celebrate my birthday but in the end we went out to subang parade to ask wht i want to eat. haha parents are so predictable. XD
and i still go to school! XD but tuition for me is over :( sorry mr. aru.
oh and zaki was at subang parade as well, but we didn't bumped to each other. a pros and cons thing. u wudn't understand ;)
3 more days till spm ppl! XD
toodly woodly doo! doi! XD ilysm and imysm. you know who u are :(
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.
i messed up. i screwed it up.
all of it. everything. every single thing in my entire life.
i knew that this was coming.
from the beginning.
but it was too late.
everything has been made.
it was too much. i don't blame. i didn't listen. so i deserve this. i try to see the good in life, but good things in life are hard to find. but reasons for this would come up soon. i hope.
-they lost hope. they lost faith. they're more than dissappointed. they don't care anymore. they see nothing in me.
-i'm not their daughter anymore. i'm worthless. i'm pointless. i'm disrespectful. i have no future to them.
-no more school, no need for SPM, no tuition, no life.
-don't talk to him, don't see him, don't speak of him, don't call him, can't be with him.
-bye bye malaysia
-again, no celebration.
Posted by — Fasya Ibrahim.