FASYA IBRAHIM

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shattered glass

its 5.45 am. and i still can't sleep. its been like this for days.
farhah says " no wonder there's like a big eye bag under ur eyes!!"
kak anees says " is it me, or u ave like a huge zits under ur eyes?"
mama ckp " farah kene tumbuk ke? what did u do again this time?"

theres alot but, i dun need to elaborate. i dun really know how to elaborate anymore.
i keep trying to find words to write here. somehow, i'm just stuck with the incomplete sentence.
life is HARD. if it is not, then it wouldn't be called LIFE.

mybe, i was
too selfish. mybe my actions were leading me and everybody to this simple conclusions; "I NEED MORE". mybe, what we think or what we feel or what we do is not what they see and feel. i mean just because i think that i'm doing all that stuff because i want to be good enough for him, what if? what if it's not really what he wants? its not really what they want? mybe something that is good for them, can be another way around. we cud just be hurting them than helping them. ok, i know u said that i shudn't blame myself. but this is just what i do, when i'm so clueless... when i'm trying to find solution. a way to ease alil bit of my pain. to be better. i'm just trying to think of it at a positive site. for me to keep on living. i'm sorry for not listening to u miyo.. u tried to help me, but i pushed u away...i pushed everyone away..

positive thinking;

mybe, this is one of the hardest part of life. letting go someone that u love for their own happiness.
mybe this part will change everything. me, my life and everyone.
mybe this part will teach me how to be stronger... better... braver...
funny, i have let go of so many ppls all of my life, i keep wondering why... why is it so hard to let go of this one person. this one specific person. he's just another human in my life. or is he?
mybe this part will teach me to appreciate things much better...
maybe it will teach me to never take things for granted anymore..
mybe, its trying to make me realise that, u will lose someone that u dearly loved in a blink fo an eye...
and no matter how hard u tried to be good, nothing is ever good enough.
because ppl makes mistake every second, and they can never runaway from it..
mybe,... just mybe... i shudn't be.. this way..
mybe i shudnt be so content with my life that i forgot, i forgot my real self.
mybe i was never used to this kind of life. i never had real friends. i never had real love. i never knew love and friends. i never anything. and just when i get to taste it, i was too happy to even keep it safely.
mybe i was too fed up i was all alone every single time...and just when i was with everyone, i feel needed, loved and cared. i forgot to be grateful.

too many maybes.. too many reasons...
" its not what u do best, its what u ave tried best"
mybe thats wrong. i've tried so hard. but best is not what i got. it was never the best...
i was never the best..
maybe its teaching me not to be so selfish, and life will never be about u.

but if all of this, it is meant for me to lose my one true love. then mybe i shud take all of this to move one step ahead in this life. its a BULLSHIT, life can never be stop. our life will always keep on moving. its only u determine whether u go with it or control it.
i guess i'm just too stuck in the past that i can't see the future rite in front of me...
i'm closing all the doors just to be with the locked door..

huh, i ave no idea to say anymore.
angah is sick like hell. he suddenly having a high fever. i'm not saying it as in its a good thing but i'm taking a step of starting to care for other people than me. well mybe its hurting me but doing a good deed to someone never hurt doesn't it.
i'm not gonna put myself first ever again. mybe for self confidence. but if they need me or not. i'll be there to help them.
no, i'm not pleasing ppl. i'm helping them. i won't and i'm not asking anything for returns. i will and i am satisfied seeing them happy. i dun mind going up and down the stairs just to get warm water for my brother. i dun mind leaving the ym just to change cool my brother's temperature.
i dun mind feeling so tired for doing all the work on my own. appreciate? heh, never ask something is return. thats a good deed. i appreciate myself. and thats enough. i'm proud of myself for doing the right eventhough no body knows. one rule in life. NEVER EVER DEPEND ON OTHER PEOPLE.
my eldest as usual giving excuse, for god sake. u ave a car, a petrol-free car from ur parents. and all u can do is drive ur own brother to a clinic, but still excuses are all that u give. mama and daddy is not home. again, NEVER EVER DEPEND ON OTHER PEOPLE.

i've been such an effing stupid bastard shit girl. time to change. alone, strong on my own.
moving on? its HARD. but i'll live. i will.... i have to...
i'm blank.. and its 7.10 am.
so many things to say, but i'm just to tired to type and think any of it.
well gtg, another day, another episode of life..

ps; i wud like to say i'm sorry to everyone. for everything that i ave done.i'll die just to make u guys happy..

notes; it seems that alot of people around me has broken up. is breakup really da answer?

i always love you...with every breath that i take...

Labels: my voice, sadness

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